The Way It Is

Don't try this at home.

posted by Ben Arkell @ 10:21 PM 5 Comments

How the New Prophet is Called

The highest-ranking governing body in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the First Presidency, consisting of the president and his two counselors, or advisers. This three-man body supervises the work of the entire Church in all matters of policy, organization and administration.
The second-highest presiding body in Church government is the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. They serve under the direction of the First Presidency and have heavy administrative responsibilities to oversee the orderly progress and development of the Church throughout the world. The First Presidency and Twelve Apostles are regarded by Latter-day Saints as prophets who receive divine revelation and inspiration to guide the Church.
The appointment of a new president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints happens in an orderly way that — remarkably in today’s world — avoids any trace of internal lobbying for position or rank. Viewed by members as a divinely revealed process, it is devoid of electioneering whether behind the scenes or in public.
Moreover, it is not only the structure of Church organization that governs this process. There is also a deeply ingrained tradition in the Church that personal aspiration for leadership at any level is inappropriate. Instead, the emphasis is on personal worthiness and a humble willingness to serve when invited.
When the president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints passes away, the following events take place:
1. The First Presidency is automatically dissolved.
2. The two counselors in the First Presidency revert to their places of seniority in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Seniority is determined by the date on which a person was ordained to the Twelve, not by age.
3. The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, now numbering 14 and headed by the senior apostle, assumes Church leadership.
4. The senior apostle presides at a meeting of the Quorum of the Twelve to consider two alternative propositions:i. Should the First Presidency be reorganized at this time?ii. Should the Church continue to function with the Quorum of the Twelve presiding?
5. After discussion, a formal motion is made and accepted by the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
6. If a motion to reorganize the First Presidency is passed, the Quorum of the Twelve unanimously selects the new president of the Church. The new president chooses two counselors from among the Quorum of the Twelve and the three of them become the new First Presidency. Throughout the history of the Church, the longest-serving apostle has always become the president of the Church when the First Presidency has been reorganized.
7. Following the reorganization of the First Presidency, the apostle who has served the second longest is sustained as the president of the Quorum of the Twelve. The only exception is when the second-longest-serving apostle has also been called into the First Presidency as a counselor, in which case the third-longest-serving apostle becomes acting president of the Twelve.
8. The president of the Quorum of the Twelve, along with the rest of the apostles, sets apart the new president of the Church through a formal laying on of hands.
Since the Church was formally organized on 6 April 1830, there have been 15 presidents, including President Gordon B. Hinckley.
Provided by and used with permission from The Newsroom of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Copyright 2007 Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved.

posted by Ben Arkell @ 1:47 PM 5 Comments

Camel Spiders

posted by Ben Arkell @ 10:52 PM 2 Comments

If you're reading this, you are being sued.

I read a recent article on cnn.com about a New Orleans resident who is suing the U.S. for 3 quadrillion dollars. That's right, 3,000,000,000,000,000. A piece of the article states "For the sake of perspective: A mere $1 quadrillion would dwarf the U.S. gross domestic product, which was $13.2 trillion in 2007. A stack of one quadrillion pennies would reach Saturn." I have made mention of our litigious society in the past, and realize there are times when it is necessary. However, for the most part it really bothers me. But I think I have had a change of heart. My goal is to retire by my 35th birthday, and the job I am currently at will not allow this to happen. I had thought that my only option was to write a book, but even that is a one in a million chance. So, I decided that I would sue all those who have wronged me. Below you will find a list of those who are being named in my lawsuit. (If you don't find your name, please contact me and I am sure I can think of some way to twist something you have done to me and make it a negative) The dollar figures below do not take interest into account.

List of those to be sued

1. My brother Dan-who when I was 12 did the math for me and told me of my unrealistic shot at ever playing basketball in the NBA. After pointing out that I was white, skinny, and couldn't jump, my dreams were shattered. Calculating an annual salary of 5.356 million (average salary of NBA player in 2007) and a career of 3.9 years (NBA average)-total suit= $20.8884 million.

2. My brother-in-law Terry-who took members of my family mountain biking. Due to various near death experiences, my life expectancy decreased by 2.7 years. Calculating a salary of $66,757 (U.S. average for males over 65) and multiplying that by 2.7, total suit=$180,243.90.

3. My brother-in-law Jeremy-who continually allows me to punish him in EA Sports' Madden '07, which has led me to great pride, resulting in various beat downs by other Madden players who could not take the trash talking. Four visits to the doctor @$185.00-total suit=$740.00

4. All of my children-Sara, Evan, and Kamri for inducing my premature hair loss (yes, I said it, hair loss-remember, I am 6'2" so many of you can't see the top of my 'thinly haired" scalp"). A lifetime supply of Men's Rogaine Foam (160 cans, 1=3 month supply) @ $15.95 = total suit of $2552.00. Because they are my children, I will leave it at that.

5. My sister-in-law Misti-she purchased a video game for me for Christmas in 2006 which led to over 307 hours of game play. My productivity greatly decreased because of this. Calculated at an hourly rate of $26 (what my wage would be if I had developed skills that I wasn't able to because I was playing video games) the total suit=$7982.00

I will stop the list right there for now. However, my mother, Santa Claus, the Jazz Bear, and others will be on subsequent lists. I love this country. A place where people who are just trying to be kind can be sued for millions. Oh, and be careful of the tone of any comments that you leave, because they might tick me off.

posted by Ben Arkell @ 2:21 PM 5 Comments

Wii would like to play

posted by Ben Arkell @ 10:58 PM 7 Comments

Arkell and Lettermen reach agreement with WGA

posted by Ben Arkell @ 9:18 AM 3 Comments