The Way It Is

If you're reading this, you are being sued.

I read a recent article on cnn.com about a New Orleans resident who is suing the U.S. for 3 quadrillion dollars. That's right, 3,000,000,000,000,000. A piece of the article states "For the sake of perspective: A mere $1 quadrillion would dwarf the U.S. gross domestic product, which was $13.2 trillion in 2007. A stack of one quadrillion pennies would reach Saturn." I have made mention of our litigious society in the past, and realize there are times when it is necessary. However, for the most part it really bothers me. But I think I have had a change of heart. My goal is to retire by my 35th birthday, and the job I am currently at will not allow this to happen. I had thought that my only option was to write a book, but even that is a one in a million chance. So, I decided that I would sue all those who have wronged me. Below you will find a list of those who are being named in my lawsuit. (If you don't find your name, please contact me and I am sure I can think of some way to twist something you have done to me and make it a negative) The dollar figures below do not take interest into account.

List of those to be sued

1. My brother Dan-who when I was 12 did the math for me and told me of my unrealistic shot at ever playing basketball in the NBA. After pointing out that I was white, skinny, and couldn't jump, my dreams were shattered. Calculating an annual salary of 5.356 million (average salary of NBA player in 2007) and a career of 3.9 years (NBA average)-total suit= $20.8884 million.

2. My brother-in-law Terry-who took members of my family mountain biking. Due to various near death experiences, my life expectancy decreased by 2.7 years. Calculating a salary of $66,757 (U.S. average for males over 65) and multiplying that by 2.7, total suit=$180,243.90.

3. My brother-in-law Jeremy-who continually allows me to punish him in EA Sports' Madden '07, which has led me to great pride, resulting in various beat downs by other Madden players who could not take the trash talking. Four visits to the doctor @$185.00-total suit=$740.00

4. All of my children-Sara, Evan, and Kamri for inducing my premature hair loss (yes, I said it, hair loss-remember, I am 6'2" so many of you can't see the top of my 'thinly haired" scalp"). A lifetime supply of Men's Rogaine Foam (160 cans, 1=3 month supply) @ $15.95 = total suit of $2552.00. Because they are my children, I will leave it at that.

5. My sister-in-law Misti-she purchased a video game for me for Christmas in 2006 which led to over 307 hours of game play. My productivity greatly decreased because of this. Calculated at an hourly rate of $26 (what my wage would be if I had developed skills that I wasn't able to because I was playing video games) the total suit=$7982.00

I will stop the list right there for now. However, my mother, Santa Claus, the Jazz Bear, and others will be on subsequent lists. I love this country. A place where people who are just trying to be kind can be sued for millions. Oh, and be careful of the tone of any comments that you leave, because they might tick me off.

posted by Ben Arkell @ 2:21 PM