Things I Learned When My Wife Left Me
Okay, so my wife left me. Well, not permanently, but for the weekend. It was a chance to relearn some of the lessons that dads need to be reminded of every now and then. The purpose of this post is for women and mothers everywhere to sit back and say "I told you so", all the while realizing that your husbands could not make it without you. So here are some things I learned while Gina was gone this weekend.
1. No matter how many times I want to try, and Evan wants to ask, he is not ready to pee in a urinal. Just picture this, me, Kamri, Sara and Evan in the bathroom at Wendy's...I am holding Kamri, trying to make sure she doesn't put her hand in the toilet (more on that later) and trying to help Evan aim in the right spot. What happened? Well, go outside right now, stand 8 inches in front of a cement wall, and turn your hose on full blast. And when I say full blast, I mean it. We don't call Evan "Rocketman" for nothing. Let me know if you get a little wet. I think half the pee stayed in the toilet, and the other half got absorbed by Evan's batman hoodie. (Haven't told Gina about this yet-better make sure that gets put in the wash.)
2. Picnics are not for single dads. Getting ready for a picnic takes more than 15 minutes. Don't put pringles in the same bag as the sandwich, they get soggy. Sun screen is a nice thing to have, I didn't.
3. All of the sudden, I hear Sara scream "Kamri, out of the bathroom!". And Kamri being the perfect little angel that she is, obediently leaves the bathroom and walks into the living room and knocks me on the head with her hand....her wet hand. She had put her hand in the toilet....again. I took her to the bathroom and washed her hands and then took a look into the unflushed toilet that was full of numbers 1 & 2. Sara forgot to flush. Nasty!
4. Taking a shower while your 3 kids are awake is a risk. No accidents ocurred, but the whole time I was in the shower I could just picture Kamri rolling down the flight of stairs.
5. It would be so much easier to be able to just leave the kids in the car. I mean, I just had to make a few copies at Kinkos and the windows are huge, so I'd be able to see them...but Sara wouldn't let me and I wouldn't let myself.
6. Evan is very proud of his manhood. I got to Ty's house on Friday after work and was informed by 5 of the 6 jumpers on the trampoline that Evan had been showing off his wee-wee, "like ten times". Apparently Ty dealt with it but in talking with Evan he had this smirk on his face like he thought he was boss, so I told him something I shouldn't have....and I have a bad habit of doing this. I told him if he showed his wee-wee again I would cut it off. He knew I was kidding. I'm such a horrible dad. Please don't report me.
7. I like sleeping in a bed by myself because I don't get covers or bed surface area taken away from me. But I will sacrifice those things to have the most beautiful and talented woman in the world lay beside me at night.
8. I loaded all the kids into the car for church and was very proud of myself. They were all dressed, all of their clothing matched (socks w/ shirts, pants w/shoes), and they were all happy....and we were even going to be on time. But then I saw their hair!! Sara's was everywhere, Kamri's was out of control, and Evan required the spit and pat method to get his hair from sticking up, but I didn't have time to do that. Oh, and upon closer review, Kamri had a lip and nose covered in snot and Evan had syrup and yogurt all over his face. I tried.
That's enough for now, you get the picture. Some guys might be able to pull it off like this dude, but I'm not one of them.
(Terry & Blake Bytheway)
In Honor of Earth Day
GLENN: I've got to tell you something. I said on the program a couple of weeks ago, you know, that nobody hates the environment. I've been thinking about that. I think we should hate the environment. I'm changing my stance on hating the environment. I mean, I think it's a cop -- "I don't hate the environment, nobody hates the..." that's a copout. I know it's the popular viewpoint. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this. Don't worry about what happens to the environment. It doesn't worry about what happens to you, does it? Think about it. Hurricanes? Part of the environment. They roll in. What's the environment's role? It creates the hurricanes! Does it give somebody, you know, some place to hide? No. Only human-made buildings, strong buildings protect us from the environment's brutal attempted murder. There, I said it. I'm not for environmental murders. In fact, nature only provides us with trees which basically lure humans to stand under them and then it provides lightning to kill us underneath the tree. Now that humans can do a good job, you know, predicting hurricanes, what does the cute little warm and fuzzy squeezably soft environment do? It unleashes 200 mile an hour winds in the form of tornadoes instead. So focused and so instant that you can't even predict them. Oh, yeah, that sounds like something I want to predict. Oh, yeah, the ones that just suck up my whole family in Nebraska last year, that was great. I just love that environment. It lures us to our coastlines. "Come, come to the coastline." We build our most important and expensive buildings only so the environment can cause flooding and beach erosion, stealing millions of dollars from honest citizens like you. "Come to the coastline." The environment could provide temperatures that are mild and consistent. Oh, no, no, no, but that's not the style, oh, no. The environment isn't all that way. Why not instead give us three months where it's zero and six months later make it 90 or 110 with 100% humidity, that way we waste money on insulation and two sets of clothing that we have to cart upstairs and then back downstairs twice a year! I hate the environment.
Do you like to visit the forest? "Yeah, I love the forest, Glenn. Who doesn't love forests? Oh, they're great." Yeah, that's when I used to think until I saw... who hides in forests? Bears, killer bears. Bears, part of the environment. More than happy to rip your torso from your extremities without a second thought. "Gee, I don't know, maybe we should have a cap in trade on these humans there, Bill. You've already ripped four apart." No, they don't do that! The innocent little environment. Giving us snakes, hairy rats, crunchy cockroaches. These are the facts on the environment.
Environmentalists will tell us, "The most important thing we can do is stop using oil." Well, really? If these true, I propose immediate sanctions on the environment for creating oil in the first place. I didn't create it. I just pumped it out of the ground! It's the environment's effects on dinosaurs, former members of the environment murdered by the environment which create oil in the first place. Leave Exxon alone. Find mother nature until she's broke. You know what? Someday they will be pumping us out of the ground if mother nature has her way. And then giant thinking cockroaches, some professor cockroach will say, "I don't know. We shouldn't pump those ex-people out of the ground. It's bad for the environment." And then nature will come and kill the cockroaches!
Wildfires. They're wild to you and me. Part of the status quo to that oh, so innocent environment. Does the environment care if it burns down your house? Nope. Burns whatever it wants. How about volume contain owes? Does the environment care when it soaks an entire community in molten rock? Nope, uh-uh. Doesn't go to bed at night going, gee, I don't know, I think that might have been a mistake." Plus, when a volcano blows, it dumps gigantic amounts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. Does it have a cap in trade on its eruptions? No! Totally unregulated! Was it man who created all the diseases that have wiped out millions? The plague. No, it was natural. I guess we could just accept the whole wiping out 1/3 of the human race thing. Sorry, don't need another Holocaust but thanks for chiming in, nature. And while I'm at it, thanks for making Antarctica completely uninhabitable. It's not like we need more land or more resources. Don't worry about all the people starving up here. You know, don't worry about. Just cover the whole continent in ice. Why don't you do that. Who needs it? Just ice. And penguins, birds that don't fly and you can eat! Thank you. No, I appreciate it. Let me tell you something. Thank God for us people who are supposedly melting that pointless piece of ice so someone can put the land to good news. No thanks to you, Mr. Environment.
(This was possibly one of the funniest things I have ever heard. If you get a chance, try and find the clipe of Beck actually saying this--he does a great job of overdoing it!)
Weird Poll Question
If a large bag of lettuce was randomly discovered outside your front door, would you use it? What if it was a BIG bag, like a Cotsco type, and you were supposed to make a salad that night for dinner with some family and friends? And you were late enough as it was, and you needed to run to the store for, of all things, a bag of lettuce. What if you thought it was an answer to a prayer? Like manna from heaven, only lettuce. Would you use it? If not, what would prevent you from doing so? If you would use it, why? Oh, by the way, if you are reading this, you most likely ate some of the lettuce I found on my doorstep, that is, if you are in Utah right now.
