The Way It Is

Larry King Interview Part II

Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to our second segment of the CNN/Larry King Live mini-series "Interview with Bland America". To be honest America, we were flooded with positive feedback from our first episode. We received such rave reviews we have decided to do it again. We are welcoming back for a second time Ben Arkell to the program. Welcome Ben.

Ben: Thanks for having me on again. This last week has been great. I feel like a rock star.

Larry: Really? What's the best perk of being instantly famous?

Ben: I'd have to say all the rumors in the tabloids. I've apparently been seen shopping on Rodeo Drive with Paris Hilton, and my wife is hiding an alien baby in the basement. That's pretty wild.

Larry: It get's old my friend.....like me, it get's real old. Well, we had a fascinating discussion last time about some interesting things in your life. I hope you have lots more to reveal.

Ben: As long as you keep paying me, I'll keep talking.

Larry: Great. We did some research and were able to get in contact with one of your old seminary teachers. He mentioned you were quite the headache. He said something about hijacked scriptures and rat poisoning. Would you care to fill us in?

Ben: Well, I attended a 6:00am bible study class all through high school. I was quite a hard kid to deal with. One day some buddies and I decided we would hide all of the student's scriptures. We thought it would be cool to put them in the heater vents.

Larry: Talk about a fire hazard!

Ben: Exactly. That's what I thought. So instead we decided to hide them in the closet, but that had me worried to.

Larry: Why?

Ben: Well, there were rats. I was afraid they would feast on the word if you know what I mean.

Larry: I don't.

Ben: I didn't want the rats to go to town on the books, cause they will eat anything. So we put a table cloth on top of the books and then I sprinkled d-con over the sheet. A little preventative maintenance.

Larry: And why, again, were you doing this?

Ben: So the rats wouldn't eat the Bible.

Larry: No-why were you hiding the scriptures?

Ben: We were trying to have fun. Looking back, if I was that teacher I would have body-slammed my student. It was a realy dumb thing to do. The worst part was that the class had an allergic reaction to the poison and they had itchy eyes, they were blowing their noses nonstop, they were sneezing....it was bad. I felt guilty the whole time.

Larry: You felt guilt? Really? Because word has it you sent a ransom letter to the teacher.

Ben: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Larry: What did you request in this ransom letter?

Ben: We cut out random things from some magazine. I think one of our demands was "pizza at midnight". Other than that I can't recall.

Larry: Fascinating. Truly fascinating. And this was in a bible study class?

Ben: Yes.

Larry: So were the bibles ever returned.

Ben: Yeah, we gave them back the next week with no word of who did it. I guess this is the first time I am revealing it to the world. I could name the other criminals but I will let them reveal themselves via a comment on the blog if they so desire.

Larry: Well enough about the Bible. We also discovered you were a pretty good athlete, yet you never played on any team. Is that true? And if it is, why so?

Ben: Well in 9th grade I decided to try out for the football team but I never made it onto the field.

Larry: Oh, an injury! What happened?

Ben: Well no, I uh, I couldn't get my pads on so I ditched all the gear and took off.

Larry: Did anyone see you go?

Ben: Yeah, the equipment manager was there and I think he saw me take off, but I didn't care.

Larry: So you couldn't get the pads on? How hard is it?

Ben: As you can see in my picture here Larry, the shoulder pads just didn't feel comfortable.

Larry: And basketball, is it true you showed up to a tryout, walked in the gym, turned around and left?

Ben: Can't deny that either. I regret that.

Larry: You should my friend, you should.

Ben: Well, I've done a lot worse. Like buy my wife a grater for her birthday.

Larry: You didn't.

Ben: I did.

Larry: And you're alive to tell about! For that Larry King Live and CNN thank you. Well Ben, thank you again for the wonderful time we've had tonight. And to you America, we once again say good night. We hope you've enjoyed our 2nd segment on "The Interview with Bland America". We have secured Ben for at least one more segment--which I can assure you will be the most revealing and shocking interview you have ever seen. Let me give you a sneak peek into next week's segment: From your brief encounters with Ben on this program, do you think he is the type that would defecate on a senior citizen? We'll find out the details to this, and a few mores stories next time. Until then, good night America.

posted by Ben Arkell @ 2:29 PM